i have been in awe of how my life passed before my eyes so fast that i can't even remember when i started to breathe deeply and realize i was alive. The day when i reached manila and started becoming someone i wasn't myself, but somebody who thought freedom and love was the only way to be happy. But then i wake up at home months after the sought freedom only to feel like a robot, unconciously doing a routine of life where i go to work, go home, occasionally hang out with friends, get drunk and then go on the same routine of waiting on the next pay day, where to spend it and how.. Time passed by so fast, i couldn't even find myself, i have been lost. lost in the mere reality of the world, and all the things life offered me. Work. Friends, I was happy. Then suddenly, the world collapsed, a fragile attempt to set my mind to the future happened, i was in love. But it was not love, more like a test. The love i was looking for was not the one that was right in front of me, instead, it was in the distant future, waiting to be found.
I went on with my life. From the last day of my old blog. After studies, i will live in the world where i am one of the busy bees, the lions who roared wildly at the challenges that come by. But unfortunately, i wasnt the kind to get used to that world, i thought i was on top of the food chain but i was brought down by how cruel the world has been, the world that i have been a part of. All i could bring myself was, at the end of the day i would sadly, loathingly look for alcohol X.x thus the days when i would waste away my work days being drunk, late and occasionally had to lie about being sick, going to the doctor to have a check up of a FAKE pain in a hidden part of my body. But the med. cert worked. So i just decided to stop. Stay at home and finally...As what most of u will not expect in this mere existence of mine to do, i was playing online games. At the time when i was working, i had to play, and sleep for a few hours then go to work. But afterwards i was on a routine. Until i had to hang out with the workmates and get drunk and had to be hospitalized for stress. I quit work. And i kept on my sad existance. pathetic to the world and sitting in my room, staring at the screen, met new friends.
I figured, hey, my mom doesnt need me to work anyway, i dont have anything to pay for i have no love life, and i was the only family my mother have. And all that company she has, she spends for me and the rest of the family, as what most families are to do in my country, if u prosper, u have to give . and my mother, has 9 other siblings. But she luckily didnt have to help all, just the ones who were needy and lazy apparently. So there i was, in my room. And i met him online. i met him unexpectedly. I ask myself will i ever be capable of having a REAL relationship with a man i met online? Will it ever work?
3 years of our relationship. I am still on this chair, we have had experience on 3 online games, met 2 other buddies from australia and been hanging out for 3 years every day. Is this life, is this what people may say normal, is it a sin to be living a gamer life? To be living only and working for my mom when she asks, should i have a job for myself. the kind i had before? I am confused, i dont really know if i should go back to the real world. I thougth once im settled down, i might start working and this time it will be for a reason, a little girl to go home to :/
